Why Do I Love You?
by laurzz
Summary: DannyLindsay - "It can be a superhuman effort to lose one’s self so completely, but that’s nothing compared to the effort of getting yourself - or the person you love - back again.”
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know, I know. But, I cant say that i'm a DL shipper if I dont try my hand at one. If you havent guessed its a post Right next door fic...**

**Seriously though, writers. _what were you thinking_ ? Anyway...**

**Hugs to Twinkeyrocks and kcatlin for reading it through and suggesting things. And i swear, i'm working on not listening to depressing music kcatlin! LOL**

**_One last thing..._ TEAM LINDSAY.**

_Suddenly she's leaving,_

_Suddenly that promise of love has gone _

_Suddenly breathing seems so hard to do_

Danny looked up as she slammed the door on her way out. She'd gone. Lindsay had left. She had put everything out there on the table. Her love, her heart, her soul, for him to take. But he didn't. He had stood; hands balanced on the counter, watching the scene play out before his eyes, he wanted to answer, but he couldn't... He hadn't responded, so she picked everything back up, took back the promises of love, took back her heart, and walked out. Now, breathing seemed so hard to do.

_Can't believe you planned it _

_I got to know just a minute too late_

_Now my understanding, all the times we made love together, _

_Baby you were thinking of him_

She sighed as she let her body slip down the door, so she sat in a heap outside his apartment. If she had known just a minute earlier, she would have saved the heartbreak, and humiliation she now faced. How could he have done it? Why did he do it? It made her skin crawl the mere thought of Danny and Rikki. She whispered it to herself.

"Danny and Rikki"

It wasn't "Danny and Lindsay anymore." As far as she was concerned, Danny's name was tinted with hurt and disgust, the pain he had inflicted on her.

_Why do I love you, don't even want to_

_Why do I love you like I do, like I always do?_

_You should have told me. Why did you have to leave?_

_Oh love you like I do. Why do I love you, like I do?_

Why did he have to love her? It would have been so much easier for him to have been able to turn around and say flat out, that he didn't love her. But that was just it, he did love her. But why? Why did he have to love her? Why did he get that privilege to love somebody as wonderful as what she was, when he had so royally screwed things up? If she had told him a week ago that she loved him, it might have, possibly, probably, brought him out of this bubble he had around himself. This self loathing, pity bubble he had constantly around him.

_Aint gonna show no weakness, _

_I'm gonna smile and tell the whole world I'm fine _

_I'm gonna keep my senses but deep down when no one can hear me, _

_Baby I'll be crying for you_

She wiped her tears away and slowly stood up. She was determined that this time, the lab was not going to know what was going on in her personal life, she wasn't planning on showing any kinds of weaknesses. She was fine before Danny, and as much as it killed her, she knew she would be fine, eventually, after Danny.

She let the tears roll down her face, "After Danny" even though she had prepared herself for heartbreak; she never thought there would be an 'After Danny'.

Ever since she had come to New York, Danny had been _there_ in her life, always there, pissing her off, teasing her, helping her, supporting her, and, well, she thought he had loved her. But, it was appearing otherwise. Maybe she had been wrong?

She shook it off, and brought the smile back to her face, ready to face the world on her own. The smile she had perfected, trying to fool the world she was fine, was suddenly out of date. She knew for a fact that Stella, and Flack, wouldn't take the front she put on. Heck, even Mac wouldn't.

She was definitely keeping her senses. At work, she was professional, sure… it would kill her, but she knew she had to act civil at least, with her cheating so called boyfriend... Well, ex boyfriend.

She'd let him know, after she had gotten over the initial shock of the break up, that she was still there for him. Put a brave face on, no matter how much he had hurt her, they had been to hell and back. And, despite all what he had put her through, what she had put him though; she loved him, and wanted to be there for him.

But, it'd be in her apartment at night that she'd let the true Lindsay show. The Lindsay that cried for the loss of Danny in her life.

_Why do I love you, don't even want to._

_Why do I love you like I do, like I always do?_

_You should have told me. Why did you have to leave? _

_Oh love you like I do. Why do I love you, like I do?_

_Can't go back, and risk baby, your smiling face_

_I can't think of nothing else but you, suddenly. _

Days ago, all he cared about was Ruben and Rikki, as much as it pained him to say it. Lindsay really had taken a back seat. And, now, both he and Lindsay were suffering. For what? A heated session on his couch, only for him to realize that it wasn't in fact Lindsay he was sharing the intimacy with, it was Rikki. He hadn't stopped it before it progressed into something more. He knew that it had been Lindsay he wanted there with him on the couch, but she hadn't been there. Rikki had.

_Why do I love you, don't even want to._

_Why do I love you like I do, like I always do?_

_You should have told me, why did you have to leave?_

_Oh love you like I do. Why do I love you, like I do?_

Why? Why did she have to love him? Why couldn't she just get over him like he did her? Why did she have to have this connection, this chemistry with him? Why couldn't she get over the feeling of betrayal, the humiliation, the devastation? She let her legs carry her to the elevator, and pressed the lobby button time and time again, wanting to get out of his apartment building faster with every time she pressed the button. She needed to get out of the place where her life had crumbled in such a short space of time. She sighed and rested her head against the wall in the elevator. At least he had made it easier… not returning the love was better than loving her _and_ Rikki, at the same time, and him having to choose... She knew for a fact she wouldn't have been able to deal with that. He had made it simple for her, country girl needed to get over the city boy.

She took a deep breath as the elevator doors opened, ready to brave New York City on her own.

"I'm not saying you have to forgive me, but Lindsay, please. We can work through this."

She blinked and saw Danny stood there, shirtless and in his sweats, tears in his eyes.

"How Danny, how can I do that?"

"Don't walk away from me"

"I have to-"she sniffed, holding the tears back, pushing past him.

"Lindsay, stay" he pleaded, holding onto her arm lightly

"Danny, I can't. I can't when I know what happened upstairs-."

"I'll move"

"Danny," she sighed "It's not good enough anymore"

"No Lindsay, I swear. I'll move" he insisted adamantly

"Danny, I'm not saying _move._ I'm just hurt. I thought I meant more to you, I thought-"

"You do Lindsay." He spoke softly while moving his hand down her arm so that he could take her hand

"No Danny, I don't" she sniffed, removing her hand from his grasp, making her shiver at the lack of his touch "If you can hold Rikki the way you used to hold me, I can't mean anything to you"

"But Lindsay, I can't just let you walk away; you mean so much more to me. What you said at the lab, and what you just said now, I do Lindsay. I've fallen in love with you. And I know, right now, that stands for squat, because of this mess I've made, but please, just consider giving me a chance. Just one more chance. I'll show to you that I'm in this for us. My eyes are wide open now Lindsay. It's you. It's always been you. It always will be you. If you'll have me"

"I'm not saying we're gonna be back where we were straight away. It's gonna take me time to come to terms with what you did. You've broken my heart Danny; I'm still not sure whether I can deal with that"

"Lindsay, let me prove to you it meant nothing"

"But Danny, the intimacy you shared with her. The kind we used to share, I'm not sure whether I can shake that. Whether I'm willing to shake it"

"Lindsay, please I can't lose you" he begged

"You can't lose me? Danny I lost my best friend the day Ruben died!"

"We need to talk, I can't lose you. We can work through this Lindsay. I haven't fought for you for 3 years for it to end like this"

"What were you thinking?" She had been thinking it since he had told her

"I wasn't Linds, I really wasn't thinking"

"Obviously" she snorted sarcastically

"I've blown this haven't I?"

"You haven't, but I need time. We need time"

"So we're gonna be okay?"

"I wouldn't go as far as okay. I want to make it through this, but I can't deal with your bullshit anymore Danny. Take a look at me Danny, it's draining me. Take the support I'm offering you, as a friend right now. Not a girlfriend."

"You're not my girlfriend?"

"I'm not your girlfriend Danny, no. Me and you right now. No. I can't, I owe it to myself. I can't be in a relationship with you right now"

She closed her eyes as soon as she said it, all the memories from the past year came flooding back

"I guess I deserved that?" he sighed sarcastically at her use of words

"Don't pull the attitude crap on me Danny. It was hard enough when you faced the other way when I told you I loved you. Don't pull that crap now"

"I'm not"

"Knock that shitty attitude off then. If anyone it's me that angry with you. You're the one that's screwing Rikki"

"Linds"

"Lindsay-"she corrected him

"Lindsay, please, come on, can we talk, properly about this?"

"I thought we were talking!"

"We are, but not here Lindsay, You hungry?" he smiled weakly, trying to change the subject

"Danny, you can't act like everything's okay. Because it isn't."

"Can we build it back up?"

"Danny,"

"Look, I don't want to rush you. But please Lindsay, I need my girlfriend. I need you, I need your support."

"What about when I needed my boyfriend Danny, where was he then? Where were you then? When I wanted to be there for you, you were having comfort sex with Rikki. All the while I was sat at home, wondering what the hell I could do to help you. Damn, I should have just come round in a trench coat, let you had your way with me, least then you would have-"

"Lindsay, please, come on." He grimaced, holding his hands over his ears

"Don't like it when I say it? You had sex with her Danny. Why? Why'd you do it? Why'd you do it to me?" she tried to fight back the tears

"Because with her, it meant nothing. It was just sex. Nothing else, I wasn't in the frame of mind for anything else. With you, I have emotion; when I make love to you, we have this connection, and it makes me realize how much I love you. With her, I felt nothing, I just felt numb, and I needed something till fill the void, and I knew if I'd have come to you. My heart wouldn't have been in it, and that wouldn't have been fair"

"Oh. So you just break mine instead by screwing the woman right next door, save yourself some heartbreak?"

"Linds, try to understand"

"Oh believe me Danny, I'm trying" she laughed sarcastically. "I think I'm half expecting you to scream we were on a break at me"

"We weren't though" he brows furrowed

"I know and that's what hurts Danny. I was there, and you chose not to come to me."

"Lindsay, if I could take anything in my life back, it'd be this"

"It's all too little too late Danny"

"Lindsay, please"

"Look Danny, I'm exhausted right now. I'm going home. Don't call me alright. Just let me go, I'll call you when I'm ready, it's up to you whether you see Rikki."

And with that, she turned and pushed through his building doors,

**Okay, originally this was a one shot where they actually made up. But, in light of the erm, well… Last week's episode, I figured we'd go down a different path, so I'm thinking maybe a two/three shot. Either way really… **

**Reviews are loved... But, please. No flames about Rikki. I dislike the whole storyline too :) **

**And, so you know, I'm in the process of updating my other fic. I just wanted to get out all the angst bunnies before i wrote it into Why'd you have to go :)... **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:Thanks to all that reviewed. I think i got everyone :)**

Sighing he knocked on the door, knowing with what he was just about to tell him would earn him the biggest ass kicking of his life.

He listened for some movement, but heard none, so, he raised his knuckles and decided to beat the hell out of the door to knock him up. Listening again, he heard footsteps and giggles. He took a deep breath and braced himself, he knew Flack and Angell had something going on, but really, he could have done without seeing Angell in her underwear.

He heard the chain go and the bolt being unlocked, and braced himself to see Angell, half dressed, hanging all over his best friend.

The door opened and his eyes began to shift up from the ground, but he hesitated a moment, to take a deep breath

"Hi, can I- Danny?" she gasped

Now, his eyes darted up. He knew that voice, and that voice wasn't Angell.

He looked up to make sure he had heard right.

"Danny – I"

"No, you know what, it doesn't matter. Carry on"

He turned and walked away, trying to rid the image burning his mind right now. He pressed the elevator button over and over again willing for it to hurry up, to get him out of the apartment building. Finally, after bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, the elevator reached his floor, he punched the button down to the ground floor, and he let himself fall to the floor, tears overcoming him.

He couldn't rid himself of the image. It had hurt him when he had seen Rikki in one of his shirts that Lindsay had worn after she had stayed over one night, but seeing Lindsay in one of Don's shirts, hair tousled with a glow on her face, he couldn't handle it. Neither his stomach nor his heart could handle it.

He had already been racked with guilt over Ruben, and now, sleeping with Rikki, not once, but twice pushed him to breaking point. But telling Lindsay he'd cheated on her, and having to watch as she fell into the arms of his best friend was just about enough to push him over the edge.

Before, he couldn't understand why she had kept asking him why. But now, he understood. He himself couldn't understand why. Why had she done it to him?

She had told him she had fallen in love with him, and now, what was this? Her way of letting go, was it? He took a deep breath, stood up, and braced himself for the cruel streets of New York.

* * *

Things had been pretty much steady since he had made his way into work. With the suspect X case closed and the kidnapping and arson cases in the paperwork stage, he had nothing to do really. All he could do was think. All he could think about was how it had been work keeping him sane, well work and talking to Rikki on a night in the hallway, about Ruben, and how they both missed him. But now, all he could hear was her words saying that he would wake up and regret seeking comfort from her. Turns out, she was right. His head was all over the place.

He looked up and glanced over to trace and saw Flack and Lindsay. He sat back and dropped everything, just to watch them.

She had a smile on her face. That was the smile that she had once smiled at him. He watched Flack nudge her chin up and stroke her cheek. He knew he had no right to be jealous or angry for that matter, but well quite frankly, what the hell did they think they were doing?

He watched them obviously engage in something. Plans for that night, probably, seen as now they were clearly dating. Danny breathed in heavily watching Flack with her, trying to keep his composure and professionalism. But it wasn't working. He knew that_ he_ should be stood there with Lindsay, reassuring her, making it up to her for forgetting her birthday, not Flack. He knew he shouldn't be sat in his office because he daren't go out into the lab because he knew the lab knew full well what he had done, and he was ashamed of himself for doing it to her. He looked over at Flack and Lindsay and he realized exactly what he had lost.

She had just told him she loved him, and they weren't speaking, hell they weren't together anymore. He had thought about the "L" word handfuls of times. He'd even considered taking her to her favourite restaurant just to let her know that he did in fact love her, but, it seemed highly unlikely he'd get that chance now.

It was his fault though. He couldn't blame her. One stupid, emotional night, was all it took for him to ruin everything that he had been fighting for, for nearly 3 years.

Danny watched Flack ruffle her hair and she gave him a slight smile. The smile again, the one she used to flash at him when he ruffled her hair like that, just to piss her off.

He watched Don walk straight past the office, wrapped up in his own thoughts, not even noticing him, his best friend, in his most desperate time; Flack had simply walked on by.

Danny threw his chair back and stormed towards trace, guns blazing.

As he got nearer to her, the angrier he became. She knew he had been sat in the office, and she had let Don touch her lovingly like he had done. He flung himself round the corner and was ready to let everything rip.

She glanced up and held out the results she had just gotten back.

"Danny, I was just coming to find you – I got-"

"So this is your way of letting go" he spat,

"Danny, what?"

"No, listen I get it, you're mad alright. I get that. But what I don't get is why you gotta go and rub it in my face. Why'd you gotta start something in front of me Lindsay?"

"Danny,"

"No, listen to me; was it your aim to rip me to shreds this morning, answering the door in his shirt and your underwear? You two get a kick out o' it?"

"Danny, just listen a second-"

"No, look Lindsay he was my friend long before you started here Lindsay"

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Lindsay –I'm sorry – I didn't mean"

She blinked slowly, and looked around the lab, frantically searching to see if anyone heard what he had just said to her. She set down the results and pushed past him, tears running down her face

He turned to chase after her to apologise about overstepping the mark, but something drew him back to the evidence table.

She had left the evidence out, unattended.

He looked towards the direction she had headed off in and looked back towards the table.

He walked towards the table, and ran his finger across a tear stain on the set of results she had set down. The feeling of guilt hit him strong. He had done this, and he knew that the only person that she would want to make this better for her, was him. And he was the only one that could do nothing, because it was him inflicting this pain on her.

He set to work re-bagging and signing the evidence bags, and tided the work surface away. He had one last glance round to make sure that he had gotten everything, and made a beeline to the locker room in search of Lindsay

He turned the corner out of trace and didn't see the woman stood in the hallway and ran straight into her.

He regained his balance and bent down to help her pick up her paperwork

"Sorry, I ugh, didn't see you there" he lamely explained

"Would you like to explain to me why you were running in a crime lab?"

"I would, but there's something I gotta deal with. Excuse me," he said almost calmly as he turned the corner, and picked up speed after she was out of sight.

He checked into the ladies bathroom first, figuring it was the first stop, and well, if he knew Lindsay, which he did, she'd go for the easiest place to get to.

He pushed through the doors and called out her name, but all he got was silence.

He glanced into all the free offices, and layout rooms. He couldn't see her at all, so he turned and headed for the locker room.

"Montana?"

"Don't Danny," she sighed, leaning against their side-by-side lockers "Just don't"

"Lindsay, I'm sorry I didn't –"

"I didn't sleep with him Danny"

"Well then why the hell was you in his shirt then? You must have gotten a little somethin' somethin' or else you wouldn't have been dressed, like, well. How you were dressed" he tried explaining it rationally, knowing that if he yelled at her again, he would only push her away further.

"Look, I'm not Rikki Danny; I don't walk around in guys shirts unless I have to." She snorted sarcastically "So that you know, Don wasn't there last night. He was out with Angell. They crashed at hers. He offered his place so that Stella didn't have to book herself into a hotel, and she'd have the apartment to herself, so she wouldn't worry about her "snoring". She called me, and I headed over, so that I wasn't alone. Alright?"

"Lindsay, are you sleeping with Flack?"

"I hope you're not being serious. Please tell me you're joking. That this is that stupid sense of humour you two have that you guys find funny, and you're not being serious Danny" she said, voice breaking at the accusation

"I'm just trying to make sense of it all. Why wouldn't you go with an overnight bag Linds? You're the most organised person I know Lindsay"

"You want to know why? I was too distraught after I found out you had decided to go and have some wild comfort sex with Rikki, to pack some pyjamas, there, was that it? Was that what you wanted to hear Danny?"

"Lindsay I'm-"

"You're what, sorry? For what exactly, judging me by your standards? You know what,I'm sorry Danny, but I don't have to answer to you anymore." She snapped and reached into her locker to grab her coat

"Lindsay. What?"

"You heard me. This, thing, whatever we have... It's too hard Danny. I can't do it. Not right now." she said while slamming the locker shut

"Lindsay, I thought that-"

"Yeah, so did I, I thought we could work through this, but I am not dealing with your trust issues Messer. I need to be by myself right now Danny. I need to deal with this" she said pointing between the two of them

"Lindsay-"

"No Danny, no, not right now. I don't trust you right now. Hell, I can't even look at you right now. It's gonna take more than a lame apology and a few gestures. What you just accused me of Danny, if my heart wasn't already shattered; I'd have broken in two. You need to start thinking about how much I actually mean to you and buck your ideas up." She said, rather calmly to his surprise as she walked out of the locker room with her coat.

He sat down on the bench and took his head in his hands, and he knew he had once again well and truly screwed his life up, and began contemplating ways to get his life back on track.

* * *

**zora080393.** and **es-mi... thanks for your review's guys :) **

**And just cause I can, i'm gonna hug Twinkeyrocks. even though shes been AWOL this week, and i couldnt send her this. GR :P Just kidding babe! ;)**

**R&R? **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thankyou for all the lovely reviews and responses. Here, have another chapter :)**

He watched the bubbles reach the top of the glass, like he had been doing for the past 55 minutes. Sighing, he looked towards the door and back to the glass again

"Trying to get it to turn into wine huh Messer?"

"Don I've been waiting here for about an hour. Cell phones down or somethin'?"

"Nah, something came up, I tried calling, but you didn't answer."

"I left my cell at Rikki's" Danny sighed, running a hand down his face

"Why's it at Rikki's, go and get it" Flack answered simply

"I can't"

"Why? Aint you two talking? I thought you'd gotten past her stealing your gun"

"We have"

"What the hells the problem then" Flack sat down and motioned over the bartender

"It's difficult. And complicated"

"What is?"

"Me and Rikki,"

"You know what Danny, cut the crap alright, come on. What happened? Lindsay was gonna tell me today, but tensed up. What've you done to her Danny?"

"I slept with Rikki"

Don's heart sunk. He had stood beside Danny whenever he was in his time of need, even when they both knew Danny had been in the wrong, Flack had been there, dragging his ass back up, pulling him out of the deep waters, and keeping him afloat. He knew Danny like the back of his hand, but this, this wasn't the actions of his best friend. The guy he was proud to know.

"As in sex" Flack rolled his eyes at the lameness of his question. "What am I talking about, of course as in sex"

"Don, I screwed up."

"Yeah," he nodded, "yeah, you did"

"I need your help"

"Yeah, you do. But I aint helping you Messer."

"What?" Danny blinked as he set his coke down on the bar

"I thought Monroe was the one"

"She is Flack, I screwed up. It was one night, and now she's gone, Lindsay's gone and I can't think of anything I can do to get her back"

"Well you better start thinking harder, because there aint no way I'm letting you screw this up. She's the best thing that happened to you Messer, and quite frankly, I'm ashamed in you. What about all the jackasses we arrest and you go crazy on their asses for cheating on their girlfriends. Don't that mean anything anymore? Where's your morals gone, where are the standards you created for yourself. Where has my best friend gone Danny?"

"Flack, I know. Every second of the day, I want to take back the 10 minutes that made all this crap happen. Since Ruben died, nothing makes sense anymore."

"Lindsay would have made you see sense. Danny, she listened to her best friends being murdered. If you wanna talk about survivor's guilt, I'm thinking she would be the one you could go to"

"Rikki and I had a connection"

"Danny, that's a lame excuse and you know it. You smiled at her in the hallway. You babysat her son when she was desperate and had no-one else to watch him. You didn't have a connection, and you still don't. With Lindsay, that's a connection Danny. You ought to get your priorities in order; Lindsay should be your priority. Not Rikki, you don't owe her anything Danny. How many times do I gotta say it until it makes sense? It's not your fault Ruben died Danny. No matter how bad you try and convince yourself it is. It aint your fault"

"I know Flack. I know. I know that now at least. It's too late aint it"

"Did you tell her the truth?"

"Yeah, after she told me she loved me at the lab, she came round to mine and I told her then"

"Wait, she loves you?"

"Well, she did, she's trying to find a way to let it go"

"Messer, you've fucked this up big style. You know that?"

"I know Flack. My whole life's just a fuck up"

"No, sorry Danny you can cut the pity party off right now. I couldn't give a damn. Linds is one of my friends Danny. She's one of my best friends and you need to fix this."

"I need help though Don; I can't do it on my own"

"You managed to sleep with Rikki on your own, I'm pretty sure you'll think of something Danny. If you're serious in wanting to get Lindsay back then you'll do whatever it takes right?"

"Yeah, course I'll do whatever it takes, but what do I gotta do to get her back?"

"I'd say grovel, rebuild a friendship, earn her trust, and slowly work things back up"

Danny sighed and ran his hand down his face

"You were looking for a quick fix, weren't you Messer"

"Sorta"

"I knew that. Well, think about the first memory you have of her that you hold dear. What is it?"

"There's two. That I … that… Don. That's it." Danny exclaimed, standing up from the bar "It's Wednesday right?"

Don moved his coat sleeve up and looked at his watch. "Yeah, Wednesday. Why?"

"I gotta go. Thanks Don," Danny grinned before darting out the door onto the street.

Don rolled his eyes and smiled lightly before standing up.

"Hey, where'd you think you're going?"

Flack turned and narrowed his brows at the bartender. "Home, why?"

"You owe me the money for his tab," the bartender motioned to where Danny was sat.

Don rolled his eyes and pulled his wallet out of his pants pocket.

"How much?"

**A/N: Usual thanks and cuddles to Twinkeyrocks. :)**

**One last thing, R&R? :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews guys! :) Huge thanks once again to Twinkeyrocks, you're a star babe!**

* * *

"Psst, Mac, Mac. Over here"

Mac looked behind the curtain and saw Danny stood there grinning. Slowly, he set his Bass down and headed for the back stage area.

"Danny?"

"Mac, I was wondering can I rent out Cozy's when you finish up here."

"Rent out, Cozy's, tonight?" Mac looked at him incredulously

"Yeah, please"

"Should I ask why?"

"No. but, can I?"

"I'll see what I can do Danny, but I can't promise anything" Mac sighed,

"I'll take what I can get. I'll be back in 30 minutes. That okay?" Danny smiled as he headed out the back door, leaving Mac astounded.

Just like he had said, 30 minutes later when the band was packing up, Danny walked back in, with takeout in his hands.

"It's all yours Danny, you owe me overtime" Mac smiled, handing Danny the keys

"If this works Mac, I'll do your weekend shifts for as long as I live."

Mac laughed slightly, and set his Bass case down, and moved towards Danny, "I know what happened, Danny, Lindsay gave me a heads up. And, well, as your boss, I have to remind you that whatever happens here tonight can't be brought into work, alright?"

"I understand Mac, and for the record, I was gonna let you know about me and Lindsay, well breaking up but-"

"Danny, I don't get involved in my employees personal lives. But, I do in my friends, now I don't know what happened exactly, but Danny, she loves you, a lot. And she's hurting right now; you've destroyed her trust in you."

"I know, I'm hoping to make it up to her, make her understand how sorry I am"

"Well, make sure you both turn into shift tomorrow morning, alright? I don't need another snow day episode."

Danny laughed lightly, "Yeah, sure Mac, we'll be there. I promise"

Mac nodded, and grabbed his Bass and headed out the door, leaving Danny to let his plans fall into place.

He arranged the food on the table he had lugged over from the lab, and set the two barstools up against it. Now, he just had to wait for her to show…

He glanced down at his watch. Technically, she still had a minute before she was late. He tapped his feet slightly, mirroring the nervousness he felt.

The deep breaths weren't helping, and the fact that time was creeping by in milliseconds was driving him crazy. He glanced at his watch again, but before he could see the time, he heard the door open.

_"Hello?"_

"In here Lindsay"

"Danny, where are – oh my_, _ Danny" she sighed at the sight of takeout and the lab table in the middle of Cozy's

Danny smiled softly, and headed over to her to take her coat.

"I know right now, it's taken a lot for you to come here Linds, but I really wanted to talk, as friends."

"Danny, I'm-"

"I know I've hurt you Lindsay, and I swear, it's killing me inside thinking about what I'm putting you through, but I just wanted you to know that I'm ready to do anything to regain your trust, and work on us, I know that right now, it probably won't happen, and I'm just-"

"Danny, what are you doing?" she sighed, sitting down on a bar stool

"Trying to make this up to you" he said taking her hand, sitting on the stool next to her

"Why are you making this so hard? Can't you just let me be mad at you? Why won't you let me hate you? Can't you just let me find a way to let you go?"

He closed his eyes for a minute, and slowly let go of her hand, placing it on the table in front of her.

"Lindsay, I don't know what to say, I didn't realize, I just thought you wanted me to make it up to you"

"I do Danny, I do want you to make this better, but it's hard. I'm not going into the 'I can see you with her' crap, because well, quite frankly, saying it out loud makes it more real-"

"Is that why you couldn't tell Flack?"

"One of the reasons," she shrugged

"What can I do to make this better Linds? Just tell me and I'll do it."

"Take it back, just rewind the time and take it back, take the whole thing back. Stop it from happening. I want you to take this pain away Danny" she said in a whisper.

"I can't do that Linds; I can't rewind it, I can't take it back. But if you give me the chance Lindsay, I'll take this pain away, I promise"

She looked away, and took a deep breath, then turned back to face him with tears in her eyes

"Why do I have to love you Danny? Why can't I just let you go?"

"Linds, I don't know, I don't know why you can't. I don't want you to, but I hate what I've done to us. All this is my fault"

"Danny, it hurts so much, knowing that you held her the way you used to hold me. It hurts Danny, it _really_ hurts."

"Lindsay, I'm sorry"

"I know Danny, but I think this is one of them things that isn't gonna be fixed by saying sorry, is it?"

"No, but it's a start right? I'm really trying Linds, I swear"

She smiled weakly at him, and retook his hand while leaning her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her, hugging her close and he placed a light kiss to the top of her head, taking in the raspberry shampoo he loved so much. He felt the pang of guilt take over him again, and as if she felt the guilt that had washed over him, she quickly pulled away, and stood up hastily

"Lindsay?" he questioned, puzzled

"I'm sorry – I can't, I have to go Danny."

"What, why? Please stay Linds. I got us some food, you'll like it, we-"

"Danny I can't do this" she emphasised on every word, through her tears "It's killing me. I can't do it anymore."

"I'm not giving up on you Lindsay"

"Danny you don't have a choice anymore, you have to let me go. Maybe then, it'll make it easier for me to let this go, it'll make it easier to let you go"

"Don't leave. I love you Lindsay."

She closed her eyes and let the tears run freely down her face. She let out a tiny sob, before regaining her composure and wiped her tears away.

"I'll see you tomorrow Danny" she said, while turning to reach for her coat.

"Lindsay – wait"

"_I said_ , I'll see you tomorrow." she said sternly before turning and heading out the door without looking again.

He sat forward and sighed, while running his hands down his face. Letting a few tears escape, he stood up and picked up the boxes of stinkbug pate, fried spiders and mealworm spaghetti. Moving over to the trash can, he sighed as he threw the 'takeout' in the trash.

"I'm not giving up on you Lindsay, I'm gonna fix this."

He reached for his coat and switched the light off. Already he was trying to work out his next plan.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: UGH, hectic crappy week. But, here's the update! :) One more after this one guys. Thank you to all that have read and reviewed. You guys are the reason I developed this fic. And well, Twinkeyrocks, for reading it through and the huggles and support she sends my way. My plotting triplet sister! :) **

"So you left him there?"

"Stell, what the hell else was I supposed to do?"

"I'm sorry Kiddo, it came out wrong. You know I'm on your side, not that I'm taking sides" Stella winked at the former shell of Lindsay; Lindsay was no longer the same Lindsay. The sparkle had gone. The determination had left her. And, by judging from the bags under her eyes, she wasn't sleeping well, if at all.

"I know Stell, but it's so hard. He walks into a room, and my strength walks out the door. When he says my name, I can't fight it, I can't deal with it. I miss him, but I can't just let him back in. I love him Stell, and he loves me, but I can't be with in a relationship with him, and its killing me."

"Why?"

"Because I love him"

"No, why can't you be with him"

"What kind of person would that make me Stell, letting him walk all over me? He cheated on me Stell, he had sex with Rikki, and it's unforgivable what he did."

"Is it though?"

"Stella. Yes, of course it is. He held Rikki how he used to hold me; and it kills me every time I look at him. Because I see him, I see him with her. Would you forgive someone for hurting you like that?"

"Probably not, but I've never loved someone like you love Danny"

"Loved," She corrected

"Lindsay," Stella warned

"No Stell loved. I don't love him anymore"

"Right, so that's why you're still wearing the necklace he bought you last year"

"Doesn't mean anything, I like the necklace"

"All I'm saying is that he's hurting. You know that, and you know what it feels like"

"What, to cheat on your girlfriend?"

"No, thinking that there was something more that you could have done to protect the people you lost. You've said it yourself. You know what it feels like for someone to be there one day, and not see them the next, and knowing you're not going to see them again. You said it yourself. Danny has to process what it is that's going through his mind. He was probably trying to fill the void, fill the emptiness he's feeling without Ruben"

"That's what he kinda said. That he and Rikki were looking for comfort, and that it didn't mean anything"

"Look Lindsay, I'm not condoning what he did, and God knows how mad I am with him – we all are. But, he needs us. These past few years have been tough. Especially for him. First there was Aiden, then Louie, then that whole thing with me and Frankie, and then Flack. He took everything to heart, and it hit him hard, but for all that – he had you, and once that had all settled down, and you two were finally picking up momentum, everything resurfaced for you, and he lost everything again. He fought hard to get you back kiddo. And, now this. I'm not making excuses, but he's not had it easy."

"Stella, I know all of that. I know. Don't you think I want to go round to his and let him hold me and let him tell me everything's gonna be okay, and he's gonna take my pain away?"

"Well, what's stopping you?"

"Stella. The fact he had sex with Rikki is stopping me"

"I'm sorry, what I meant was that you can work past this. I'm gonna be honest now, but I think that the only thing that's stopping you is what you think other people think you should do"

"Stell, you've lost me"

"You think that people think you should be distant with him. That you should break up with his sorry ass and forget about him. But, why? You love him. You don't live twice Linds, you know how much he wants to take this back, and make it up to you. Why don't you let him?"

"Because Stell, once a cheat, always a cheat."

"People change" she bit back,

"_Touché"_ , Lindsay smiled to herself… "Still, his actions are unjustifiable if you ask me. If he wanted comfort sex, I would have been there, all he had to do was come to mine, and I would have helped him, talked with him,"

Stella sat back in her chair, pursed her lips and shook her head. "You would let him use you for sex?"

"No, well – he wouldn't have been using me."

"Lindsay, when he was having sex with Rikki, his heart wasn't in it. With you, I know I can't exactly speak for him, but I'm pretty sure he gives you everything when you make love"

"That's what he said to me Stell. That with me, when we have sex, he realizes how much he loves me, with her, he felt numb"

"He knows he screwed up Linds, I don't think he's gonna be in a rush to do it ever again"

"Do I want to take that risk though Stell?"

"Remember the guest singer at Cozy's I told you about a few months back?" Stella smiled

"Sang with Mac?"

"Yeah,"

"Yeah, I remember, what about him"

"His lyrics have stayed with me since then Linds. It's gonna apply to us all sooner or later, but right now, it applies to you"

"Stella. What? I'm sleep deprived and running low on caffeine, cut to the chase" Lindsay smiled

"Just like when you were falling, I will be there when you rise"

Lindsay smiled as tears filled her eyes.

"You're not giving up on me and him are you Stell?"

"I have faith in you guys. You could teach us old 'un's something Lindsay. It's true though, when you fall Linds, I'll catch you. And, when you're at the highest, happiest point in your life. I'll be there for you"

"What if I regret letting him back in?"

"What if you don't, which regret would you prefer, which regret could you deal with? Knowing you did the right thing, letting him in and realizing that you were right all along, and had an easy escape, or not knowing what could have been, and wondering if you let him go."

Lindsay smiled lightly and looked down at her watch.

"Do you think he'll still be up? It's kinda late"

"You'll never know if you don't try Linds-"

Lindsay nodded, and pushed herself up off the couch.

"Stella, I hope you're right."

"Me too kid"

**R&R?**

Anyway guys, enjoy.

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	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: so this is a last minute addition that came to me tonight. Apparently the muse wasnt happy with the fact next chapter is the last chapter.**

**Hugs to twinkeyrocks, and all the reviews that have constantly reviewed. I really appreciate it guys! :)**

His hand hovered over the receiver. He desperately wanted to pick it up to make that call, but he knew he would get the biggest ass-kicking of his life. He sighed in defeat and turned away from the phone, only to be greeted with the sight of his pool table; the table that held a million memories. He walked towards it, and ran his hand over the water mark left from that night. _What was he doing? _ He knew he had screwed up, but what was his excuse for not making things right? Getting his efforts rejected by her. It's what he deserved wasn't it?

He walked over to his couch, and contemplated sitting down. But, it hurt too much. Right there, on that couch was where his life had stopped. The minute his lips touched Rikki's, it was like he had stopped living. He just existed.

He walked back to the phone, lifted the receiver, and dialled the familiar number. Stretching the wire, he settled in his barstool, and rested his head on his propped up elbow, waiting for the other end to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Stell. It's me. Danny"

"Yeah, I know, I have caller ID. What do you want Danny? It's late"

"I wondered if you could talk a minute."

"You mean listen"

"What?"

"You want me to listen to you a minute. Surely you wouldn't call me to hear me talk"

"Yeah, yeah. I just, I needed to talk."

"What about Don, can't you talk to him?"

"I'm sick of screwing him around. Every time he bails me out, I screw up again. I can't talk to Lindsay, who would be the person I normally called. And well, I trust you Stell. I trust you more than I trust myself. I need a friend now Stell"

"You got one Danny. Now, what can I do for you" she settled in her chair

"I, I was wondering if you had spoken to Lindsay"

"Yeah, I have." She said simply

"And?"

"I'm not going to lie to you, you've hurt her Danny. I think she blames herself for not being there for you"

"She said that?"

"No, not exactly, but, well she didn't need to. I could see it in her eyes. I think she wishes she had pushed you more. Made you open up, instead of letting you open up to her yourself. I think she regrets giving you space"

"Stella. Have I blown this?"

"Danny-"Stella sighed

"No, Stell, I need to know. Have I missed my chance in making this better? Have I, Have I lost her?"

"She still loves you Danny"

"But…"

"But, you've really hurt her. She misses you like hell. She wants her Danny back. The Danny we all know, hell even I want the old you back. The one that actually cared about his job, his friends, his girlfriend. What happened Danny?"

"Ruben happened Stell"

"That's no excuse and you know it"

"It was hard to deal with. It was my fault that little boy got shot. If I'd have made him ride next to me. If I-"

"So that's what you're gonna do from now on. Think about… what ifs; think about how you could have changed it."

"No, but-"

"Yes Danny, that's what you're doing. You're not thinking about how you can fix this"

"What do I do Stell? How do I get her back?"

"How am I supposed to know Danny?" Stella snapped

"You're her friend,"

"You're her boyfriend. You know her better than what I do"

"I don't deserve to know her though Stell. She deserves someone better than me"

"You know you don't mean that, she loves you. You just have to regain her trust and make this up to her"

"How, how do I do that?"

"You'll think of something Danny. Start by telling her the truth. Open up to her, make sure she knows you're willing to do anything to make her trust you again. It's not gonna be easy Danny, I'll tell you that much"

"I know Stell. I just want to make this work so bad"

"I know you do. And you can start by making sure you're decent"

"What?" he laughed "decent?"

"Make sure you're dressed Danny?"

"Why, what? Stell seriously, what?"

"Lindsay was round here earlier"

"I know, you said"

"And, after we finished talking, she decided she was-"

"She's coming here isn't she?"

"I didn't say a word, alright. Just make this right, okay Dan. Please?"

"Stell. Thank you." He breathed into the phone before disconnecting the call.

Stella smiled down at the phone and turned to hang it up. So much for the early night…

**R&R?**

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	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Right, last chapter folks. thanks to everyone thats been Reading/reviewing. :) **

**And, big thanks to Twinkeyrocks. :)**

* * *

She took a deep breath. What was she doing here? Looking down at her watch she closed her eyes. _2 Am_ . There was no way in hell he'd still be up. Her hand hovered at the door, wondering whether to just go ahead and knock. After weighing up the pros and cons of her confession to him, she decided it'd be better left for morning. Or next week, whichever was easier. She sighed and turned, headed to her lonely apartment for another lonely restless nights sleep.

* * *

He rested his head against the sofa, and closed his eyes for a moment. He knew she was out there, but he didn't have the guts to go and open the damn door. Partially because he didn't want to hear her tell him it was over; _for good_ . He knew that there was no way he'd be able to deal with that. And even though Stella had just told him Lindsay loved him, there was still the possibility that in the short distance from Flack's apartment, where Stella was crashing, to his' she could have changed her mind, and wanted him out. For good.

When he heard the footsteps trail away back down the hall, his heart sank. He'd missed his chance to find out why she had really come round. Stella hadn't given much away, and now he'd have to go another night without knowing the fate of him and Lindsay together. The ball was completely in her court now. He just had to wait, and try and persuade her to hit it back, and get the game rolling again.

He ran his hand down his face, thinking about his failed attempts at winning her back. Every time she had said no, telling him it was still too hard, and she still needed space. Deep down, he knew it was going to take more than him just making an effort. He had destroyed everything they had built up. And now, it was up to her to decide whether what they had was worth saving. He didn't mind giving her the time, he now knew that he'd wait forever for her, and walk to the ends of the earth, but hell, the waiting for her to decide was killing him.

He stretched, and tried to stifle a yawn, but it was no use. He hadn't been this tired since he had flown out to Montana to be there for her, after pulling 3 doubles.

_Montana. Instincts. _

His Mother had always told him to act on instincts, because usually, instincts were right. And, of course, his mother had proved herself right time and time again. His instincts had told him to head to Montana for Lindsay; his instincts had told him to take her shift, his instincts had told him to stop what was happening with Rikki, just his head was obviously disconnected.

He stood up and grabbed his leather jacket.

"Go wit' your instincts" he smiled as he headed out the door.

* * *

She set her keys down on the side table as she flicked through her mail, magazine subscriptions, bills, and the usual junk mail flyers. She set them in her letter rack, ready to deal with them tomorrow before she headed into work.

She removed her coat and shoes, and switched the light off, heading straight for the bathroom; all this not sleeping had done her no good, the bags under her eyes were telling her that.

She set her toothbrush back into the holder next to Danny's. For some reason, she couldn't bring herself to throw it out. She figured it was because once she threw it out; there'd be no going back. Danny would be gone out of her life.

She rearranged the toothbrushes so that they were entangled how they used to be, after Danny had thrown his back in after he had hastily brushed his teeth before bed, during their usual playful banter.

She leaned against the doorframe, and looked into the bathroom, and for a moment, she could see him. She could see them laughing, and playing, tickling each other. The aching feeling in her chest disappeared for a moment, while she re-lived the good times. The good times she longed for.

She shut the light off on the laughter, and headed into the bedroom. Just as she was closing the door, she heard the slight sounds of knocking.

She glanced down at her sleepwear and sighed. _The one night, she had to wear her little boxers and tank top. _ She hastily looked through the peephole and instantly recognized the broken figure through the door. She took a deep breath, and unlocked the door.

"My instincts are telling me you don't want this to be the end"

"Danny-"

"I made the mistake of letting you go once Lindsay, I'm not gonna do that again. I'm sorry Lindsay, I'm sorry."

"Don't tell me you're sorry cause your not. You're only sorry you got caught"

"You know that's not true!"

"Is it? How do I know that Danny? Everything I've believed in has been snatched away from me. I don't know anything anymore"

"Whaddya mean?"

"You – I believed in you. I believed in the trust we shared. The connection. The bond we had together. It was snatched away from me, and now, you're only saying sorry because you have to"

"Do you honestly believe that?"

"I want to" she trailed off

"Linds, that wasn't my question"

"I know, but that was my answer. I want to believe you're _not_ sorry, because it'd make this so much easier"

"What, getting over me? Letting go of what we had?"

"Yes Danny. Yes, letting go of what we had. You did. You let go. The second your lips touched Rikki's you let go of what we had"

He looked at her and closed his eyes. She was right, in some respects. He had given up every right he had the second he kissed Rikki, the second he considered going any further, he'd given his rights up. He'd given _them_ up.

She began to shut the door, but he forced his foot in the door jamb, just before she closed it.

"If you wanted this to be it, for us to be over, you'd have told me by now. Tell me you don't want this and I'll go, I'll walk away right now. Tell me you want that. Tell me you don't want me, that you want me to go"

"I- I, I, I don't want you to go, but you can't be here anymore, it's not the same"

"Let me regain your trust Lindsay, let me rebuild what I destroyed"

"I, you hurt me Danny, I don't know if I can anymore, it hurts too much."

"If I could Lindsay, I would take everything back, in a heartbeat. Let me take this pain away from you."

"I'm not sure whether I can fully trust you again"

"You'll never know if you don't try, please, at least think about it. I know I screwed up Linds, I know I did. But, if you ever loved me half as much as I love you right now, you'll think about letting me make this up to you."

"I want to be mad with you,"

"Then be mad with me. Throw things at me; throw the remote at me when we're watching TV. Just don't be mad at me on your own"

"I want to let this go Danny,"

"Then let it go Linds" he said, moving into the doorframe. "Just make damn sure you're positive when making that decision, because I know it'll kill me, losing you"

"I want you to make this better; I want you to take what I'm feeling away"

"If you give me the chance, I swear I will" he said, taking her head in his hands, resting his forehead against hers, "Just give me that chance"

"I want to but-"

"Nobody's gonna think you're weak Lindsay, that you just let me walk all over you. I'll make sure they're fully aware it was me that screwed up, and it was you that was the strong one through this."

"They will though" she almost sobbed, trying desperately to hold back her tears

"Let them, let them think what they want. I love you, Lindsay. Let me make this right"

"I care what people think Danny, I care that they're gonna say I was weak, and let you walk all over me"

"What are your instincts telling you?" he asked lightly, wiping a tear away

"Honestly?"

"Honestly." He said in a whisper, while rubbing his nose against hers

"It's telling me that you should be holding me, wiping my tears away. It's telling me that I should give you one more chance to make this right. It's telling me that you love me, and you're sorry,"

"I am. You have no idea how sorry I am Montana" he said, tracing her cheeks with his hands,

The tears she had been holding in, finally found their release

"I miss you, Danny."

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere Linds" he sighed, taking a deep breath, while holding her.

She stood, tears being absorbed by his t-shirt wrapped tightly in his arms for about 5 minutes, until she pulled away

"It's late"

"Or early," he smiled

"You could crash here if you like"

"You sure about that, I wouldn't wanna- I can just go back to mine and-"

"Danny, would you like to stay here tonight?"

Danny smiled at her forcefulness, "I'd love to, Montana." He added last minute, causing a weak smile to present itself across her face

She moved to the side, and let him enter her apartment finally.

"You changed the furniture around" he stated while kicking his shoes off

"Yeah, every time I looked at how I had it, it reminded me when we spent the afternoon rearranging it, only to decide it looked better how it was originally"

"You look tired Linds"

"I haven't been sleeping much" she shrugged, moving towards the couch

"Because of me?"

"Yeah, wondering what I did wrong, and how I could fix it."

"Baby, I'm sorry"

"I know, but do me a favor and don't expect miracles okay. Being back to how we were won't happen overnight, it's gonna take me time. I need time Danny."

"So long as there'll be a chance, that's all that matters, that's all I care about. You're all I care about Lindsay, you, and making this right"

Lindsay smiled, and took his hand leading him to her room

"Whoa, Montana, you sure about this? I mean I can crash on your couch, I'm cool with it"

"I want you to hold me, and tell me everything's gonna be okay, just till I go to sleep"

"That, I can do." he smiled, letting her lead him to the bedroom.

She hesitantly settled her head on his bare chest, the pain and betrayal was still there, but it was a lot weaker now. The ache in her chest had disappeared in his touch. He was now tracing her back, like he had when they had first woken up together on the pool table.

"We're gonna be alright Montana, we're gonna make it through this. I'm gonna make this right"

"I just want this to go away, I want to go back to renting movies on our days off. I want to go back to going on last minute dates to games. Going on dinner dates. I want you back. I want us back."

"I'm gonna give you that Lindsay. I swear I'll make this up to you" he smiled, while tilting her head up towards his face. "I'm gonna make sure you know how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. You're gonna know that I'm never gonna screw this up again. I'm going to show to you why I love you"

She nodded against his chest, and let herself be victim to sleep.

After a few minutes, he realized she had drifted off. He shifted slightly, and pulled her tighter, keeping hold of her as if his life depended on it. He lowered his head, and placed a kiss on her temple, inhaling the sweet scent of her shampoo that he had missed. He felt her facial expression change against his chest, to what he guessed was a smile. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes slowly, letting sleep take its next victim. He knew he had explaining to do, but right now, he could take comfort in the fact that his life with Lindsay was slowly getting back on track.

**R&R? Thoughts about the last chapter? I'd love to know what you thought :)**

**Thanks for reading :)**


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